Small things to try together, one card at a time.
Ask meaningful questions about their life outside of the relationship (work, friends, internal world).
Each card in Marriage Hacks is something to do rather than something to answer. Kiss for six seconds. Text a compliment in the middle of the workday with no context. Do a chore your partner hates before they get home. Others are phrases worth having ready, like asking "Do you want comfort or solutions?" when your partner is venting.
Several ideas come from John Gottman's research on couples, including the soft startup, love maps and noticing each other's bids for attention. Read one card together in the evening and try it the next day. They work for any committed couple, married or not.
When your partner is venting, ask them: "Do you want comfort or solutions?"
Change "You always..." to "I feel [emotion] when [event] happens."
When you feel insecure or angry, say: "The story I am telling myself right now is..." to separate fact from fear.
Start a difficult conversation with a compliment or appreciation before stating the problem.
If your pulse goes over 100bpm during a fight, empathy gets much harder. Call a 20-minute timeout.
You can validate their feelings ("I see why that upset you") without agreeing with their facts.
Repeat back what they said: "What I hear you saying is... Is that right?" before you respond.
Visually sit next to each other when discussing a problem. It is "Us vs. The Problem," not "Me vs. You."
Never discuss heavy topics (money, in-laws) after 10 PM or when hungry (HALT: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired).
A silly face or a gentle touch during an argument is a "repair attempt." Accept it immediately to de-escalate.
Kiss for at least 6 seconds every day. It releases oxytocin and signals "I am not a threat."
When you see each other after work, don't check your phone or do chores for the first 5 minutes. Just greet.
Text a genuine compliment or a flirting emoji in the middle of the workday with zero context.
Go to bed at the same time, even if one of you stays awake to read. The ritual of "ending the day together" matters.
Find one thing they did today (even a chore) and say "Thank you for doing that."
Ask: "What is your internal weather report right now?" (Sunny, stormy, foggy?)
Run a 20-minute "Business Meeting" on Sundays so logistics don't leak into the rest of your week.
Look at their eyes when they are talking, not at the TV or your phone. Eye contact signals value.
Physical touch without sexual expectation (back rub, holding hands) lowers stress hormones instantly.
Greet your partner like a dog greets its owner—with genuine, visible enthusiasm.
Ask meaningful questions about their life outside of the relationship (work, friends, internal world).
If they say "Look at that bird," look at the bird. Turning towards these small "bids" predicts relationship longevity.
Reminiscing about how you met or a great vacation actually rewires your brain to feel fond of them again.
Praise your partner explicitly in front of other people. It boosts their confidence and your bond.
Replace judgment with curiosity. Instead of "Why did you do that?", ask "Help me understand your thought process."
Ask: "How can I help you transition from 'work mode' to 'relax/intimacy mode' tonight?"
Do something new and slightly scary/exciting together. It releases dopamine that mimics the "falling in love" phase.
Encourage them to have a hobby or time away from you. Distance creates the space for longing and desire.
Do a chore they usually hate doing before they get home.
Create a small ritual only you two understand (a secret handshake, a code word, a Saturday morning coffee routine).
Assume your partner has good intentions. They are likely tired or stressed, not malicious.
Accepting influence from your partner ("Good point, let's do it your way") is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Throw away the scoreboard. Marriage is not 50/50; sometimes it is 80/20. Balance it over a year, not a day.
Never judge your marriage against a couple you only ever see in public.
Announce when a fight is over. Whatever you drop, you do not get to pick back up.
Say what you want out loud. Your partner is not failing a test they never knew about.
Treat the relationship as a third entity. Ask: "Is this decision good for *Us*?", not just good for you or me.
Focus on what you cherish about them, not what you want to change. What you focus on grows.
Apologize for your *part* of the problem, even if it is only 10%. Own your 10% completely.
Accept that you are marrying 5-6 different people over a lifetime. You both change; get to know the new version.
Ask: "On a scale of 1-10, how full is your love tank right now?"
Ask: "What is one thing I can take off your plate this week to make your life easier?"
Ask: "What is stressing you out the most that you haven't told me about?"
Ask: "What is a dream of yours that I can help you achieve this year?"
Ask: "When did you feel most loved by me this week?"
Ask: "Is there something I do that unknowingly hurts your feelings?"
Ask: "Are we spending our money in a way that aligns with our shared values?"
Ask: "What fun thing should we put on the calendar to look forward to?"
Ask: "Are we being parents first and partners second? How do we flip that for an hour?"
Ask: "What do you need to do for *yourself* this week to feel like you again?"
Agree on a safe word that means "I am overwhelmed and need to stop talking immediately, but I love you."
When a fight loops, ask: "Can I hold your hand while we talk?" It is hard to yell holding hands.
Ask yourself: "Will this argument matter in 5 years?" If not, let it go.
If tension is high, try to make them laugh (if appropriate). Humor is the enemy of anger.
It is actually okay to go to bed angry. Sleep resets the brain. You will likely be more rational in the morning.
Be careful who you complain to about your spouse. Friends may forgive them harder than you do.
The first 3 minutes of a conversation usually predict the outcome. Start gently.
For every 1 negative comment, give 5 positive ones. This is the "Magic Ratio" for stable marriages.
Count three seconds after they stop talking before you reply. They are usually not finished.
Remind each other: "I am not going anywhere. We will figure this out."
Going through every card takes about 25–40 min, but there's no need to finish in one sitting. The deck runs in your browser with nothing to install, and your place is saved on this device, so you can stop and pick it up later.